My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
