We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
