i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dicks are not precious.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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