Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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