i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
