Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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