I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
