Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
