i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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