dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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