i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
