my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
