Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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