Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
