The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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