Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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