I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
