something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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