Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
