every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I touched a dick in church today
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I forget how to act sober
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
