Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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