took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
