"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
