i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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