HIV tests are more positive than that guy
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
