Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You need Xanax blowdarts
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
