The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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