You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
