just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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