My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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