when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I understand Curling. That high.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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