I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
