I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Randomize
