I looked at my own cervix.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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