and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
