Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
