You're a womanizer and a bitch.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
