just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
