did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
