dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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