I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
