one might say we're banned from that church
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
