My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
