Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
