The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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