If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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