Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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