Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
