You're my little dorito
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
