i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
