I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
