Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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